My Temper Threshold

So here I am again.. No points for guessing, This post too is about me.. Self-centered, reclusive Me


For starters, I don't get angry. No amount of goading, mortification, insinuation, instigation can ruffle my feathers. I m so inert and immobile to taunts and jeers that they virtually fail to galvanize me into reacting to them, without fail.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Apropos.

It's unfortunate but you won't get to see me in a red-hot mode, blowing hot and cold even if someone spews a spate of expletives on me. So that puts me at par with lithium in the periodic table, I guess. Non-reactive, dormant, impassive to the mocking around me that abounds me.

My erstwhile FB account memorable quote :  "Flummoxed by failure, Flustered by iteration, Famished of Hope, Fueled by desire "

That might explain, in part or full, the reason of my reactive inertia.

I m so badly engrossed in the pursuit of ever-elusive success element, that I presume, can't even be traced like the much talked about Higgs Boson God particle in the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.
Zeroing in on something with such ferocity is bound to have far-reaching undesirable effects. Autism, monosyllabic, schizophrenia, paranoia, cynical are few of the traits that I have unwillingly acquired in that process.

And that unceremonious break up of mine, raised by Temper Threshold my several notches. It's inaccessible to the point that even if I am whipped and stripped and made to run nude in the busiest street of Washington, I won't harbor a feeling of rancor against those who did it to me. Playing out Personal Vendetta isn't really my style.

So there you have it folks...

Next time you meet me, save your mocks and jeers for those who won't let your provocation go unchallenged. Period !!

Much to my chagrin

I have mastered the art what no one else hitherto has perfected before. I have excelled the art of chalking up failures to my experience. There are times in life that give you a high, raise your hope, make you believe in the intrinsic goodness of people. Snap, right there, comes a jerk which puts a blanket on everything. You are compelled to think if they were for real, if that instances, that exchanges of pleasantries, that moments which brimmed you with hope are nothing but a mirage, a delusion of enormous magnitude that puts a world on your eyes to blind you from the truth, the fact that you are being duped, used and betrayed. .

I feel used on virtually all occasions.  It's the incessant, relentless flurry of emotions, that puts me on a splinter, just waiting to explode and burst-out every now and then every time someone approaches me. I can't settle down. The jittery bug keeps crawling on my spine. And the poor soul senses something's wrong even before we greet each other. "Why is this chap always on a springboard" .. First reaction to be precise

Being enigmatic really suits me to a T.

Their furtive glances say it all and I have stopped caring less about it now. Its like an unsaid, unstated pact between me and the herd about where to draw the line.
How did i become so workholic.. Where did the "ME" in me disappear..To put it in the words of Liaquat Ahmed "Lords of Finance" The bankers who broke the world -  I possess a peculiar prowess to consume prodigious amount of work without any apparent impairment to my faculties.

You may think of me as an outright narcissistic, someone who feeds on personal vanity . Well, it's not entirely false and you deserve brownie-points for picking it in no time.

I have had my falls and much to my disappointment they have been rather continuous in nature ( not even a discrete series like the one we used to have in Statistics)

Epic Fall # 1 : CAT 2007 throws academic career out of gear.
Epic Fall # 2 : CAT 2008 - desperate times call for desperate measures.
Epic Fall # 3 : SBI PO 2009 exam makes life a living hell.
Epic Fall # 4 : SBI PO 2010 exam proves to be yet another nail in the coffin.
Epic Fall # 5 : SBI TO internal promotion exam throws cold water on all hopes of a comeback.
Epic Fall # 6 : CAT 2011 bring the situation to a point of no-return  
.
..
....
And finally came 
The Quantum Leap : CAT 2012 – a gateway to IIM A – breaking into the Engineer’s bastion. 

The "Quantum Leap" remained a Pipe Dream.

How could one survive so many falls beggars belief.( like Peter who survived the death defying fall when Skylar shove him out of the window after his ability was treacherously stolen from him by his putative father in Heroes Season : Unknown, Episode : Unknown.)

The lure of minting lucre is missing in me which cost me my girl. Although it brought my Muse Back and I m back to writing like never before.
The depth of solace that I experience in the space of my blog is inexplicable and gratifying.

Despite allurements, betrayals, falls, I have remained the same. I weathered the storm far too fairly than I thought I would. Still the same, young, coltish, impressionable, idealistic guy, free from malice, ill-will and trickery and chicanery.
Arguably the only un-corrupted soul in this corrupt world still alive. It's my conscience and innocence that I have kept intact ever since I set off on my journey of claiming acclaim, pursuing perfection and vindicating myself.
There have been moments when I just felt like I should let go, I should give up, but I didn't and that has made all the difference. It brought about a significant change in my outlook. It opened me up to the world outside. Initially, It was too much and too hot to handle. Over time, I got the hang and grip over things and I firmly hold the strings of my life now.

I may be hasting and hurtling towards the end but there is just so much in me waiting to spew out. I don't promise to give you a spectacular show, an anecdote, a fable that would summarily chronicle my rise to riches. But I promise you this, It won't be bland.. ..xoxoxo